I've heard stories, legends really, about relatives from back on the Emerald Isle performing simply magnificent feats of strength. My grandfather was said to have carried 100 kg barrels of turf (fuel) up and down steep, moist hills in the glen, a hill I have climbed myself and couldn't do it without looking like Otis Redding after a night at the Whiskey A-Go-Go.
Uncle John was purported to have worked tirelessly everyday, digging praties and shearing sheep throughout all hours, and still be able to sprint back to town and back for a glass of whiskey.
I believe none of these stories. Because there is no way I couldn't have inherited at least some of that coordination.
Why do I prattle on about all this? Because it is extremely relevant when one is trying to play a game called "beer pong". Befuddlingly popular among folks my age group, you have probably heard of this at the very least.
The rules are simple enough: throw an exercise ball through a basketball hoop, and do it while stumbling, stark-raving drunk and while entering that state.
Or at least that's what it felt like to me, the man of the coordination skills of the average blind, mute muskrat, even without the assistance of a Golden Monkey. At some point during a gathering I attended last evening, I was coaxed into partaking in this bizarre, somewhat wasteful ritual. I managed to sink only one "good" shot, and the rest ended up somewhere between 3 feet and 9 dimensions away.
The last known sighting of beer pong shot 14.
The results of too much incompetence? The forced consumption of the cheap beer of the day. Oh, and you lose too. My attempts to have the substance of choice replaced with Juicy Juice, or to use slightly larger cups...or pitchers...were looked upon with scorn and dismay. I believe at one point I even noted the remote possibility of a game of backgammon or chinese checkers getting started up.
So, if young people must have a game that involves the consumption of beer, I propose a couple of alternatives.
1. Beerus Exactus
-A game for any number of players. One player, deemed the "Beergen Master" chooses a liquid measurement (metric or standard systems are valid). Let's say, 300 ml. Players must then pour that amount of beer out of the can to the best of their ability. The player who is the closest to the precise measurement chooses someone from the group, who must drink their entire beverage and perform an action chosen by the winner. This continues until players can no longer count high enough to give a valid amount.
2. Elton Bong
-Named, of course, after Sir Elton John, this game requires at least the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road album in one's discography. A neutral official plays an Elton John song at a reasonable volume. Players must anticipate when the chorus of that given song is going to arrive and, at the very moment Elton reaches the first word of the chorus, players must put on a pair of brightly-colored sunglasses and shout "I'm Still Standing". The sunglasses will be arranged on the ground in front of the players, ensuring a mad scramble, a la Musical Chairs.
The last player to do this must chug their beverage and dance around like a fool. The game ends when you hit "Rock of the Westies", because nobody freaking likes that album.
I will fight anyone who says they like this
sorry excuse for a musical record.
Are these ideas perhaps a bit too eccentric? No, I came up with them, so I obviously think they rock. If you play one of these games at your party, I guarantee that everyone will remember that way better than an aimless, wasteful game of beer pong. They may also disown you as a friend, but at least they'll never forget why.
Plus, they're not any more ridiculous than beer pong.
